Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Anticipation


We had our ultrasound today and the good news is that the baby appears to be healthy. It was a little stressful getting to that point because this morning, after leaving my cell at my desk during a meeting, I noticed that my Dr's office called and left a vague voice mail in reference to my afternoon appointment. After a few phone calls and some investigation, it turned out that the reception had only scheduled me for a Dr's visit and not the ultrasound we expected. Rob and I were both able to leave work right away to make a last minute ultrasound appointment though, so we luckily didn't have to reschedule.

The bad news (okay, so it's not really bad news, just more non-news) is that the baby was too stubborn to show us the goods. The technician said that she can usually tell the sex a few seconds into the ultrasound, but our little baby just wouldn't cooperate. Rob was on the fence about finding out at all, so he requested that if she was not sure, just to not tell us at all. The tech's first impression was girl, but after two different types of ultrasounds, she still was not 100% sure and didn't commit one way or the other. And she probably spent a good 10 minutes on trying to determine the sex alone. She did her best to wake up the baby by jabbing on my stomach (pretty hard, actually), pushing on the opposite side of my uterus, really anything she could think of to encourage the baby to move. All to no avail. This of course delighted Rob, but actually kind of upset me. Not that I care about having a boy vs a girl, I just really wanted to know. Most of our family and friends thought girl even before today, and I'm still leaning that way, but not enough to buy any of those cute dresses that I planned on buying.

The rest of the day and the appointment felt sort of anticlimactic. That has now morphed into a really sad mood. Part of it is the realization that which ever sex the baby is, at some point I will (briefly) mourn what it is not. I was talking to Kyle and she said it perfectly... up until we know what the baby's sex will be, we are considering a life with both a little boy and a little girl. Once we find out, one of those goes out the window. And I have fallen in love with both ideas. I think not really knowing but facing the fact that it is one or the other sex has just left me emotional. An hour ago I broke the carafe for our new espresso machine and had a melt down. Rob did his best to reassure me that in the scheme of things, finding a replacement part to a $40 coffee machine was not worth shedding tears over, but since he was on his way out for the night, I am stilling feeling really out of sorts. Sad, insecure, and anxious, actually. I hate feeling this way and so I do best not to give in when I feel a mood like this coming on, but it just didn't work tonight.

So I am going to take a bath, do some eBay shopping, and stare at my baby's pictures and hopefully wake up happier tomorrow. I do have to say that it felt so good to see that little baby on the screen. I was crying, just so happy. At the time, the sex was the least important thing to me. I was just amazed that I could see my baby's heart, brain, spine. And my baby's cute little profile, that was really the best part. I'm lucky that my baby is healthy and beautiful and I am going to focus on that tonight.

Doggy loving helps too.

3 comments:

gin said...

I have found (and I may or may not have personal experience) that once that baby comes out, all thoughts of what the baby is not go out the window. It won't even cross your mind when you lay eyes on that child and when you hold him/her in your arms.
Just coming from someone who thought she was getting one thing but got another, and never looked back. :)

Nicole said...

Thanks for the reassurance. I love this baby so much already, and I know in the end it won't matter one bit. Now I just have to somehow get through the next 4.5 months so I can meet him or her.

CAPow! said...

I hope the little one will cooperate next time! I never actually thought about "mourning" the loss of a life with a child of the opposite sex. But I've also never been pregnant ;)