So this weekend was not the greatest. Exhibit 1: I had non-stop anxiety attacks punctuated by the occasional crying jag. I know that my returning to work crisis isn't a crisis to anyone else, but I still reserve the right to feel terrible. I hate thinking that unlike today, this time tomorrow I will not have a sleeping baby wrapped against me in a Moby, but instead will be speaking some canned response for the tenth time regarding how I feel about being back at work. These past two months have been some of the best of my life. Thanks to a frequent occurrence of family drama, many big events in my life have been overshadowed. My wedding, multiple holidays, vacations. Not so with the birth of my baby.
I feel as though having my daughter has been amazing, start to finish. Rob going back to work was hard and there have certainly been the occasional argument. But none of that diminished the joy I have felt being a parent. And while I know that I will continue to feel that way even after I go back to work, the truth is, and there is no way around this, I will have less time for Nora. And that hurts. I know that the people who will watch her will take amazing care of her but I still wish so much it was me there for her everyday. Of course the upside is that she will have close relationships with other people in her family. All I know is as soon as I get into the office tomorrow, I will be setting up my web cam.
Exhibit B: Nora's first Halloween was overshadowed. By family drama. Enough said. We dressed her as a ghost and walked her around my parents neighborhood for a few minutes, but we weren't in the best of spirits. Which some might argue is not that big of a deal - she is only 2 months old after all! We will have plenty of great Halloweens to come, and probably even a few more not so great ones. And she won't even remember it. But Halloween was her first holiday, and our first chance to feel proud about sharing that with her. But just because we saw it as important to us as a family doesn't mean that everyone else did. In fact, it was made pretty clear that our status as a family matter little to some people. Meaning...
Exhibit C: The drama continues. My last day of maternity leave did not start out so fantastic, and I don't see it ending well either. And maybe the worst of all:
Exhibit D: My grandfather is in the hospital with a broken rib and a collapsed lung. He has Alzheimer's and lives in a care facility in California. My grandmother called on Sunday to let us know that he had fallen, although no one seems to know why. He is okay for now, but in a lot of pain. He had a few sezuires a few months back, and has had other health problems off and on. It's hard for me to think about since he and I had a close relationship. I am a lot like him in some ways (Type A Personality), and I can hardly think about him without crying.
So I feel like shit today, to say the least. And no one seems to respect that. Well, my mom does. And Rob would if he didn't already have a ton on his plate. And I'm sure my best friend and sister would too, so I can't say that no one does, but I still feel pretty isolated right now. Which leads me to my point.
Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth because bad things just don't exist within its walls. The birds sing, and animals talk and amazing adventures are only a wait in line away. The real world is hard and relationships are complicated and messy. It's been a year since my last visit and I could use a trip right now. If I win powerball on Wednesday, I am so going to RATP. True story.