Sunday, October 14, 2012

It's been a while. I won't lie, it is because I can't decide if I should just shut this thing down or press on. I intended to use this as a place to write, to express my ideas, and yet I can't. I have half written essays everywhere - on scraps of paper, in my documents, in my head... and yet they never make it here. The first rule of blogging is to write for yourself, but I know there are (a very few) people who read this, so I can't. And I can't pander to a (extremely small) audience, because that is just plain ridiculous. So sometimes I write some fluff, and sometimes I avoid it with all my might. Obviously I still lurk around all your blog, so I'm still trying to keep up some virtual presence...

Anyway, I broke my silence to talk about how fucked up I am over Jessica Ridgeway. I'm pretty sure this is big national news, so I don't need to rehash the situation. She was kidnapped 5-6 miles from my house. Her dismembered body was found 1-2 miles from my parents' house, at a park where we have walked our dogs. At a park where my husband causally stated that he was surprised no one had ever dumped a body. I know bad shit happens all the time, all over. I know that being the victim of this type of violence is a 1 in 1 million chance. And now I know what they mean when they say it's so much more chilling when it happens in your neighborhood.

Guys, I haven't slept in a week. I already am already  up weekly, paralyzed by fear thinking of cancer, car accidents, and the danger of stairs, and now this? Now I have to worry about buying groceries behind a sick fuck that would dismantle my daughter piece by piece given the chance? That may be bit extreme, but now that I am a parent, I can't put to words what this incident stirs inside of me. I hate that this is the world we live in. I want my daughter to have a community she loves and trusts. I want to teach her to live and love without judgement and fear, and every time something like this happens, it fucks with my view of the world. Of course I plan on teaching Nora about "stranger danger" and how to trust her gut and follow her intuition... I don't want her to be naive or overly trusting, rather a kind but critical thinker. But how can I follow through with that when now I'm not sure I will ever let her out of my sight again? I can only imagine what little Jessica's parents are going through right now, but I can tell you with certainty that our whole community is terrified and heartbroken right now. I'm basically an atheist, so I feel weird saying "pray for us," but please, do what ever you do... pray, meditate, send good thoughts...that we find this killer and soon.